Upsetting the Apple Cart

I have started and stopped three different posts since March.  None of them came across the way I wanted them to.  But, after much thought and time, I feel that I’m ready.

I’m divorced.  It was final in May.  I guess in the world of divorces, mine was quite pleasant (is that even a thing?).  No fighting or screaming.  We filed together, even wrote out our own agreement.  We settled everything together and we didn’t have to appear in court.

But to actually get to that point where I decided upon the divorce?  That was the hard part.  I had been struggling for a couple of years.  We both were unhappy for a variety of reasons.  It was last October that I had made up my mind to do it, I didn’t have the how and when yet figured out though.

I will say that through it all, our focus was making sure that we remained friends and polite to each other for our daughter’s sake.

It’s strange though.  I always figured I would be married for life.  I had met him when I was 21 and had been with him for half my life.

I had grown in a different direction, one that I hadn’t planned on nor could have foreseen.  Our marriage wasn’t perfect, we both made mistakes, could have made different choices, but that’s hindsight.  I fully take the blame on the divorce.  I could have just stayed and found ways to be content.  But, who would have helped?  Him?  Me?  Our daughter?  No.  My parents stayed together for me and I knew it.  I knew they were unhappy and that the reason was me.  They loved me dearly, that was never in doubt.  But I knew they could have been happier if they had divorced and was given a chance to find someone else.  I swore I would never do that.  I never wanted to burden my child with that kind of guilt.  A child deserves to see what a true marriage and love is like, not people faking it.

I think when I turned 42 something in me snapped.  I could feel this need to go out and chase my dreams.  It wasn’t that I was being stopped from doing that, not at all.  It was a simple and undeniable need I had inside me.  Being a mom didn’t stop me either.  In fact, being a mom gave me the strength that I needed to make the leap.  I wanted to show her that a woman can do anything, that being a mom doesn’t make one weaker or tie our hands up.  Hell, she’s the inspiration for my novel series.

So, here I am…a 42 divorced single mom.

But, as it turned out, my story was just beginning back in October, I just didn’t know it.