I have not written anything related to my novel series on paper in years. My brain has been writing, though. With time and distance from my initial writing, I have changed some of the background story on my main character, Cassie. Now, as I have said before, yes, every writer puts a piece of themselves in every character. But I struggled in the past with exactly *how* much of myself or my past to put in the series. I began writing as a way to deal with the loss of my parents and the loss of the relationship with C.
I was also writing to escape the reality of my married life at the time. I have been quiet about my previous marriage and the abuse I learned to live with. Also, sharing too much of the truth, events, conversations, or situations felt like a betrayal of sorts. And, honestly, I was still very much afraid of my ex-husband, well, more like terrified of him. I met J in 2018, and yes, I was still married; though the day I left for Louisville, I was done. I had already been planning my ‘escape’ with my child. Was I looking for anyone or anything? NO. But, boom–there he was.
It will be 8 years since that fateful day in November, when a stranger said “Hi” and I realized he was what I had been searching for my whole life. Did he save me? In all the important ways, yes. But what he did that was far more important was to show me how strong I really was. I was able to return to college, graduate, decide to return for my MA in Teaching, begin teaching, and now am preparing to earn another MA, an endorsement, and become National Board Certified. He tells me all the time I did it on my own, but if anyone has ever escaped abuse, you know, having someone support you in your dreams is a blessing.
Which brings me back to the “emotional detachment” part of the story. My ex-husband will be 75 this year (go ahead and pick your mouth off the floor), and really, I do not care what he or his family thinks anymore. I am not as scared of seeing a white van anymore. I don’t worry about him showing up at my door with a gun. It is not so much because of his age as much as how much I have grown. I am still angry with him, and with myself. And thanks to my child, I realized I was likely groomed by him (I was a fresh 21, and he was 46). What in the hell does a man see in a woman who is 25 years younger than him? No shared memories of a generation…I could go on. I see that I was groomed. My dad was never fully on board, but my mom really pushed it. I have forgiven her for it because she was dealing with her own trauma.
THERE WERE SO MANY RED FLAGS!!! I mean red flags on fire, in my face. And I turned a blind eye (sort of).
Was I perfect? Hell no. I cheated many times, but for those years I was with my ex-husband, one man was front and center, and that was C. There was one other, but I think his purpose (as he was near the end) was to show me what I needed in my life when it came to love. When I met J, I had ended everything with everyone a month (or more) before. Maybe I was clearing away everyone before he entered my life. I do not know. I could go to therapy, but writing a novel series is cheaper.
My unfaithfulness is not justified because he was abusive and also cheated on me. I own that what I did was wrong, and J knows all about my past. I was looking for distractions, something to make me feel wanted and loved. I looked in all the wrong places. When I met J, I knew who he was and why nothing was going to stand in my way. In many ways, the relationship between Cassie and Colin mirrors ours. My child was foremost in my mind, their safety, their happiness. So, yes, I am more like Cassie than any other character in the series.
So, as much as I will be taking creative liberties, because I do not know how a narcissist thinks, really, most of the conversations and abusive flashbacks are real. Scenes with his family will be true, but they do not figure much in the story to begin with.
C and I have communicated briefly over the years; he is remarried and happy. I am happy for him. He deserves happiness. I promised him a hero’s death, and I am still debating whether to kill him off or not. LOL
In many ways, coming back to this novel is allowing me to see just how far I have come since I was 33, when I first put pen to paper and began writing this book.
Useless Ramblings 
Leave a comment